I’ve Never Had More Men Dance With Me...

Recently we had a couple visiting our studio from out of town. After the party, the women approached me raving about our beautiful studio and what a great time she had. She said she never had more men dance with her, and she lamented that in her ballroom many leaders don’t ask her to dance and she didn’t understand why. She thought maybe they felt intimidated saying "I don’t care if they’re a great dancer or not, I’d still be happy to dance with them".

This same night, we had a new young man come to the studio. He had never danced before, but he was brave and was willing to give it a try. At the beginning of class, as I always do, I explained social dance etiquette: That as a dancer, you only need to be concerned with your own dancing and that it’s inappropriate to correct your partner, even if you feel they're making a mistake.

At the lesson, I taught the steps, how to hold your partner, and how to find the beat in the music. It’s a lot for new dancers and so it’s perfectly normal for beginners to focus only their feet and forget about their frame or the music. It’s part of the process of learning to dance, and all of us started out as beginners just doing our best.

Later, this gentlemen approached and asked me a question. He said the women had told him he was wrong for holding his hand “here” and that it needed to be “there”. He was confused. The poor guy was doing a great job all things considered and his first dance experience included a fellow student needlessly pointing out that his first attempts weren't perfect.

The juxtaposition of these two events immediately struck me. That’s why people don’t ask you to dance; they don’t want to be criticized. Nobody signed up for that.

If someone invited you into their home - would you make a point to mention everywhere you saw dust in the corners? Would you think, "Well, if I don't point out the dust, they'll never learn to properly clean their home. I'm only trying to help them. They should thank me" Or would you just simply enjoy their company and leave criticism at the door?

However well-intentioned or politely stated, when we correct a fellow dancer, what we’re in essence saying is:
“You’re not good enough for me. I need you to change so I feel more comfortable.”

Imagine building up the courage to try something new and having random people coming up to you saying “You’re doing it all wrong. You need to do it my way instead.” It’s one thing to be guided by a teacher, people expect that - but fellow students?! The ballroom is already an uncomfortable environment for many people. They’re constantly worried that they’re not good enough, that they don't know enough moves, and that people aren’t enjoying dancing with them.

Pointing out your partner’s mistakes is a recipe for disaster. It can make people feel stressed, annoyed, defeated….I’ve even had people give up dancing completely because they were so upset when another student presumed to correct them during class. It’s not pleasant, it's not helpful, and it’s not the way you get lots of people asking you to dance.

As a ballroom dancer for over 25 years, I’ve found that the best way to help new dancers is to allow them to progress at their own pace.

Give them space. Give them time. Allow people to figure things out in a way that works best for them.

Simple to understand - hard to do. It’s easy to give into the temptation to “fix” what we see as “wrong”.

But is it fair to demand that people demonstrate in one lesson what took us a decade to learn?

You can’t plant a seed and yell “Grow, GROW FASTER!”. That doesn’t work. Flowers bloom in their own time and so do dancers :-)

Many people mistakenly believe they’re “helping” by offering unsolicited advice. It’s actually counterproductive to point out someone else’s mistakes. People can only absorb so much information at a time. Pointing out every error you perceive in your partner's dancing overloads them and makes it harder for them to dance well.

Trust that your fellow dancer doing the best they can in that moment. Their best is enough.

Telling others how to dance also assumes a position of superiority, presumes that your own dancing is without fault, and that you know more than they do - which is often not the case (I have stories for days on this...)

People who really know what they're doing in the dance world know enough not to correct their partners.

If etiquette allowed dancers to point out each other's shortfalls, given that no human is perfect - we would do nothing but stand around all day and criticize each other. I have seen this play out in private lessons with couples - not a pleasant experience. Personally, I find it more enjoyable to dance together. Give it a try it, it's fun!

If you want to help, the best thing you can do is smile and enjoy the dance. This allows new dancers to relax and enjoy the process. Bonus points if you can find something to compliment, or simply thank them for the dance if you cannot. And with this positive experience, they’ll keep coming back to the studio so they can continue to learn and grow. Eventually they’ll develop into fabulous dancers - ones that you’ll feel ever-so-lucky to dance with.

But they’ll never get there if they get frustrated and quit. No dancer is perfect, and demanding that beginners move their feet correctly, hold their frame perfectly, and stay in time to the music is an impossible standard - one that we surely did not meet when we took our first steps on the ballroom floor. Be gracious, be kind, and be patient.

Social Dance Tips For Experienced Dancers:

Accept each partner as they are. Don’t demand that people change to accommodate you. As for correcting your partner:
- Even if you say it nicely, it’s still not ok.
- Even if you mean well; it’s still not ok.
- Even if you’re “right” and they’re “wrong”; it’s still not ok.
Practice being comfortable dancing with people of all skill levels. Advanced dancers can enjoy dancing with everyone.
Your partner isn't wrong; they're perfect - a perfect beginner, or progressing perfectly at a pace that's right for them. In time, they'll get better - and so will you.

Social Dance Tips For Beginner Dancers:

You’re enough - just as you are. It’s ok to be a beginner. It’s safe to progress at your own pace, and you don’t have to be perfect to enjoy the journey.
It’s not ok for other students to tell you what to do. If someone corrects you, just say “I didn’t ask for your feedback”.
And if this happens at our studio, please let me know.

Side Note: We're all here to learn and no dancer is perfect (myself included), and I have found that often, we're all too eager to point out our partner's missteps while being completely oblivious to our own errors.

This is because when we focus on our partner’s perceived mistakes, we become blind to our own. Thus, by correcting our partner we lose the opportunity to notice how to become better dancer ourselves.